


What Have You Done

by MILKYWON



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jaehyun is an asshole, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, Lee Taeyong is Whipped, M/M, Mentioned Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Past Relationship(s), Songfic, im fake deep, johnny is a good friend, not actually, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 05:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14994134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MILKYWON/pseuds/MILKYWON
Summary: Johnny and Taeyong always find themselves on the rooftop of the smaller’s shitty apartment. This is the first time Johnny talks and gets Taeyong to confess.This is the first time Taeyong talks about what he felt; what he felt for Jaehyun.





	What Have You Done

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of “You Don’t Know How Lucky You Are” by Keaton Henson. I used the lyrics as dialogue because personally I interpret the song as some sort of confrontation. It’s a really good song, he’s a great artist too.

The smell of smoke and alcohol is no longer present on the roof top. The light aroma of a candle now replacing the wretched scent, now replaced with fresh air and Taeyong is finally able to breathe. Chest filled with the overbearing amount of air that wasn’t polluted, but he feels so empty at the same time. So empty. The color of the sky changing slowly, the scenery fading out and the candle almost gone by now. He wonders if he still has more, he’s probably going to stock up. He might as well live up here. The peace is broken though, by the man he forgot was even there.

  
“Did he even know who you were?” Taeyong raises a questionable eyebrow, unnoticed since he never bothered to turn to the voice. “Like, did he ever laugh and just know what he has? Or...had.” The other says the last part quietly, hesitantly as he noticed how it didn’t make sense. Taeyong’s mind is still preoccupied by the burning candle, the wick and wax getting to its end. He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know how.

  
“Sometimes with the way he spoke to you,” he begins again. “I wondered if he knew not to speak of your family, as if he didn’t even know when you got sad.” The man stretches out his sentences, slowly speaking; trying to get his point across. But Taeyong didn’t understand the formality, the posh language he’d use. He really needs to stop reading so many books; the metaphors are starting to become another language.

  
“You should really learn how to speak to idiots like me,” Taeyong finally says, playing with his fingertips. “What’s the point of talking to me if I don’t understand half of what you say? Right Johnny?” He says, finally looking at his friend. Whatever the taller was to him actually. A friend, a colleague, an acquaintance? With his regular visits; he was most likely his therapist.

  
“Why did you indulge yourself in such a relationship with him anyway?” Johnny asked. “You don’t like to be touched, neither kissed unless you feel like it.” He finished. It was true, Taeyong didn’t involve himself with much physical affection, yet he still stays with a man that would insist that their relationship be sexual only.

  
“I know.” Taeyong says, quietly. Head down. There’s a distant look in his eyes.

  
“Did Jaehyun?” Johnny asked, the question lingering between them as Taeyong tries to find the right words, but it’s caught in his throat and he doesn’t know how to speak all of a sudden. Johnny scooted himself closer to the shorter, softly tilting his head towards him by his chin. “Does he know where your lips begin?” Johnny asks quietly, Taeyong’s eyes widen and he tugs his head out of his grasp.

  
“Jaehyun...” Taeyong starts, trying to search for something to say. “Jaehyun was a good man.” He said, finally. Uncertain. Nothing he says making sense; nothing answering the questions Johnny kept asking. This was a mess, Taeyong is a mess.

  
“Was?” The taller asked, an eyebrow raised. He knew what he meant, he just needed for Taeyong to speak his mind for once. Needed Taeyong to break down and be able to understand that he’s free now; he’s able to say and do what he wants.

  
“He still is!” Taeyong snaps, turning his head harshly. His face flushes as he apologizes and turns away again. “You know what I mean.” He says with a voice barely above a whisper. His palm rubs at his face frustratingly, hands dropping back to its original spot. Nervous eyes glancing at Johnny every now and then.

  
“You haven’t seen him in months,” Johnny says, eyes searching for something inside of Taeyong. An answer of some sorts? Anything. “Do you even know who you are?” He asks, hand inching closer to Taeyong’s. The other notices this and withdraws his hand onto his lap. Johnny almost shake his head. He doesn’t bother to give the gesture anything more than just a sigh.

  
“Of course.” He says. What kind of a question was that? The smaller silently questioned. He knew who he was; who he is. Right? Everyone’s supposed to know who they are, especially at the age he was in. He was supposed to know himself, right?

  
“Do you laugh and think of what you might lack?” Johnny asks again, questions now becoming personal. Becoming even more difficult to answer. When did the questions turn all the way around to Taeyong’s view, why did Johnny care? He didn’t have to get involved with whatever fucked up mess Taeyong got himself into, it was never his problem.

  
“I never asked for you to be involved with whatever Jaehyun and I decided to do,” Taeyong said, his mind taking over. Somewhere deep within wants to thank the taller for keeping him in check. “Jaehyun and I...we were, I don’t know. Him walking out was his decision—it was mutual. He wanted to find something and I was someone he came back to occasionally. It’s fine. If you really knew me; then you’d know I wouldn’t get myself involved in something I don’t want. Maybe you don’t know me at all, Johnny. Stop pushing it.” He snaps. Johnny watches the way he shakes.

  
“Did you know your lip shakes when you’re mad?” Johnny asks, completely ignoring Taeyong’s demand of leaving him alone, dropping the subject. “Do you ever even know when you’re sad yourself?” He asks, hand coming up to smooth at the edges of the smaller’s lips. Leaving Taeyong’s cheek on Johnny’s palm. Neither of them bother to move away, needing this.

  
“They’re my emotions,” Taeyong says, staring at Johnny for once. “Wouldn’t you think I’d know myself better than anyone else? Better than Jaehyun, better than you. Like you said, it’s been months, I’m trying to forget him, forget us,” he pauses, moving his head away from the other’s palm. “But it’s so difficult, it’s not easy.” Johnny retracts his hand back to his side, staring.

  
“Why do you keep moving away?” He asks. “Were you really okay with being touched by him?” Johnny asks, still focused on the other. Small memories of times Taeyong would cry quietly with Ten beside him, Johnny watching silently. Times where he’d arrive at his door and ask if he could stay to think; he and everyone Taeyong would ask never said no.

  
“Jaehyun made me feel something,” Taeyong said. He sighed. “Made me feel different, made me feel so safe. He was different,” Taeyong said in a low voice, a hum. He looked away to the candle and Johnny followed his gaze, eyes also set on it, it was burning out soon. “It was a love you won’t understand.” Taeyong says hurriedly, not completely agreeing with himself, not knowing what he had just blurted out.

  
“Did his love make your head spin?” Johnny asks, his voice becoming a buzz to Taeyong’s ears. He didn’t answer, once again speechless. Deep down he never, not even once, thought of their relationship as love. It was there but never reciprocated and it’s the first time Taeyong is confronting these thoughts and he doesn’t know what to do with them.

  
“I...,” He starts, mouth open slightly as his throat clenches, a cry forcing its way out of it. “I—I miss him.” He sobs out, pressing his palmsagainst his eyes; trying to hide the tears. His mind is rewinding and rewinding to the days Taeyong had meant to forget. How Jaehyun, even after being friends for so long, had rejected the thought of being in a romantic relationship. How the younger had stumbled into his house in his intoxicated state, kissed Taeyong and begged for just one night. After that, one night became two, then three, and it became a reoccurring past time for them.

  
Then Jaehyun decides that he couldn’t keep going with whatever they were doing. That he needed to get away and run from this place. Told Taeyong to forget everything that had happened between the both of them in the span of a year. He had ran out and kept his word, no one has heard of him for months now. No cigarette ashes as a trail to him, not even a drop of alcohol stained onto the ground from his most likely drunken travels. He’s been erased from this place—whatever this place had even meant to Jaehyun.

  
“I miss him so much,” he said, tears falling quickly. Johnny watches before pulling him into a hug, Taeyong half on his lap. “What have I done?” He sobs out, burying himself deeper into Johnny’s chest. “I messed up, why didn’t I say no? Why’d he come back?” Taeyong rocked back and forth slightly as Johnny cradled him. He ran a hand through the other’s hair comfortingly as he smiled sadly. Taeyong was finally able to admit his mistakes. Admit that it was never love, admit that he does miss him; that he needs help.

  
 _‘Did his love make your head spin?’_ Taeyong thought.

  
Jaehyun’s smile interfered with any sanity left in his body after this conversation, after this confession. The dimples that Taeyong would press like a button; hoping that love would come out of Jaehyun’s mouth if he had pushed everything correctly. That maybe Jaehyun would also feel a spark when his fingertips touched him like that.

  
 _‘Did his love make your head spin?’_ It faded.

  
His body felt warmth, as something touched him; something that felt like hands. Hands that Taeyong knew were Jaehyun’s. Smooth, big. Nothing about it being rough, old scars that only Taeyong saw, scars that he’d trace when they’d lay in bed. Scars the younger was always surprised about when Taeyong noticed it was there. Everything about Jaehyun was soft. His hands, his face, his lips...his heart. A soft heart that hardened at the sight of Taeyong.

  
 _‘Did his love make your head spin?’_ Johnny keeps his hand on the other’s head.

  
Taeyong’s haunted by the mocking way Jaehyun slurred his ‘I love you(s).’ Breath smelling of alcohol, a faraway look. Taeyong’s cries get louder when Johnny’s hands felt like Jaehyun’s; the lips the taller planted for comfort being soft.

  
Johnny was more than willing to give Taeyong everything Jaehyun took from him in the process where the other would give and give; give something so toxic. Johnny wanted Taeyong to get better, he whispered words of encouragement, words that he hoped showed the other that he cared and wanted to stay. Johnny looks at the candle, already so close to giving out, melted wax looking around it and almost burying the wick and its weak fire.

  
Johnny leans over and blows out the candle before it gives in.

  
_‘Did his love make your head spin?’_

 

 


End file.
